The Caged Bird Sings; Honest Answers to Honest Questions

Long time no talk to, my readers!  My apology for the disappearing act, but i have been dealing with some things and it has been really hard to place it.  Well, i thought i would share.

Have you ever sat back and asked yourself, “Who Am I?” and found it hard to really answer that question whole heartedly?  I mean, yes, maybe you can find a lot of characteristics that make up your being, but do you really know who you are and the purpose you serve on this earth?  I envy musicians and actors because no matter the struggle, they believed in themselves enough to fight and push to make their dreams come true, whether they are just local celebrities or hitting the red carpet everytime you turn on the television set.  The point is, they believed in their craft and didn’t give up on it, so they knew early on who they were and their purpose.

I grew up loving certain things like reading, writing, helping others, and making a difference in peoples lives.  As i got older, i didn’t know how to incorporate those things into a career…better yet, a good paying career.  Unfortunately, my mother didn’t have the funds as a single mom to put me in sports or dance or anything for that matter that would allow me to find my knitch.  She did, however, put me in cheerleading but that was not something that stuck with the insecure, awkwardly tall and skinny black girl.

So today, i put it all out there.  My fears, my happiness, my saddness and what i think i can do to turn these things into success.  Today, i am more honest with myself than i have been in a long time, and the best way to start it out is by conquering my fears and putting these things on something tangible and for the world to see.  So here goes; honest answer to honest questions:

1.  What makes me happy?  Unexpected love; knowing; motivation; unexpected generosity, compassion, affection and good attention from the one’s i love; small gestures; the color sea foam green; green pastures; little things.

2.  What makes me smile?  All of the above; my daughters smile, her happiness, watching her grow, seeing her laugh and her love; making friends and family laugh; puppies; hearing my favorite song on the radio; seeing my spouse smile and seeing the love behind his eyes.

3.  What do i want to accomplish?  Finish school; debt freedom; obtain a better job or start a career; a family of my own; a home.

4. What do i want in a relationship?  All of answers from number 1; genuine love, someone who loves me more than i love myself; not settling for the lesser.

5.  What is my fear?  Not accomplishing any of the answers in number 3 or 4.  Not instilling enough in my daughter to be better than me.

6.  What makes me sad?  The thought of settling; not knowing; lack of compassion; fear of taking the wrong path or wrong decision; failure.

7.  What makes me cry?  Not knowing who I am or my purpose in this world, my life or someone elses life; frustration beyond comprehension; Being lost, behind and/or not knowing the answers for my life at my current age.

8.  What are my short term goals (1 year)?  debt freedom; continue saving money; save more money in a ROTH account; marriage engagement; accomplishing 2 semesters of school; growth in myself; building better health lifestyle.

9.  How do i achieve my short term goals realistically?  Organize and create a financial plan; patience; determination, dilligence and sticking with it; getting to know me more; one step at a time and gradually building a workout schedule as well as self control.

10.  What are my long term goals (5 years)?  complete and continued debt freedom; finish school; obtain better job; marriage and my own family; better patience; continued healthy lifestyle.

11.  How do i achieve my long term goals realistically?  Doing it all for myself and no one else!; stick to it no matter how hard it gets…not being affraid to ask for help; believe in myself and my purpose; Yoga!

Sometimes i want to travel to a far away land and meditate (but i don’t have the funds).  I want to climb to the highest mountain top and cry out to the most high (but i’m afraid of heights).  I want to find real peace within myself (but i don’t know the first place to look); i want a family thats less disfunctional and knows how to love one another (but i can’t change them).  I want to smile at the notion that i know who i am and my purpose (but that is a working progress).

There you have it!  A lot of wants and a lot of ‘buts’.  Is it just me or do you have some of the same questions?